Normally I OD on Christmas music from September first to December 25th. I would do this because I thought it could make me feel like Christmas used to make me feel. I wanted to feel like I felt when I smelled our very old Christmas tree mixed with the scent of fake pine scent and fake snow. Or the Christmas of 1980, when I got EVERYTHING I wanted (including Billy Joel's Glass Houses and John Cougar’s American Fool - both on vinyl). Or when I saw those old school fat lights for the tree. Or when I would pull apart these gift labels with glue on the back (like stamps used to be) that were YEARS older than me but showed up every year. I think if I had licked one I’d have ended up like George Costanza’s fiancé on Seinfeld (look it up, kids).
As I got older, things changed. A lot. Grew up, graduated, married, divorced, lost my mom, remarried, kids, etc. But every year I had to mainline Nat King Cole and Vince Guaraldi, trying to revive that feeling from Christmas in the 70s and 80s. I got close sometimes, but no cigar. It's so frustrating, reaching for something, convincing yourself that it's still there, but it isn't. That leads to resentment of your favorite time of the year. But who did I resent for that missed high? I don't know... But I did resent them/it.
Fast forward to now. I'm a husband with three boys. I'm trying to navigate through life, marriage, and parenthood. Sometimes I get it right, sometimes I don't. I have been listening to my Hipsters Holiday playlist since October ( but 2020 sucked ass, and we all could use some Lou Rawls Yuletide classics after this shit show ), but it's not doing anything. I have no butterflies, no self-centered anticipation, no unerasable smile because A Charlie Brown Christmas is on TV, nothing. My kids are 11, 13, and 15, so 2/3 of them are less than pressed about Christmas gifts. The 11-year-old is only slightly giddy, but he's my celebration baby. I'm excited for them to see their gifts, but unfortunately, that's about it.
So today I officially stopped the infusion. If I hear any more carols this year, it will be in passing. I’m done trying to make something that no longer exists reappear.
I hate that.